January 21, 2013 by Sam
The festive season is well and truly over. You’re likely back at your office or slaving away on the back of your trusty steed trying to ensure he keeps some of his body on the ground for a short period of time (pent up holiday energy is the worst!).
Here at The Hot Seat we haven’t taken a break. We’ve been trawling the inter-webs and sneaking into our favourite SA show jumpers’ homes (we don’t condone stalking but admit we’re not adverse to it if it involves a tasty bit of horse flesh we could possibly drool over) investigating how to get a pair of white breeches well… white.
We’re well aware that this is a serious issue that needs resolving. Watching the course walk at an FEI World Cup Qualifier is rather unbelievable. Forget the width of those oxers; we’re talking about those startling white breech clad legs measuring the distances. Two things:
1. How do they look so damn good in them and;
2. How do they keep the damn things clean!
We’ll get to the first part of our investigation in a bit. The second part was a bit more difficult, it seems many people keep mum on the secrets to white success. Other than replacing breeches with a brand new illuminating pair each show (I don’t care what people say no one does this – surely!) or having a fantastically talented domestic worker or parental (most of whom refuse to share their secrets – despite our best efforts) we’ve found this method works best:
1. Find every single dust particle, muddy patch or dirty pole at the show to transfer the necessary amount of brown onto your white breeches.
2. Arrive home, remove breeches and leave in the wash basket for at least two days. Stare at them with guilty eyes in the hope that they shall clean themselves.
3. Eventually put them in the wash.
4. Remove breeches from wash – they will still be the colour you achieved in step 1
5. Proceed on a mission to the store to purchase a host of “whitest white” products that the assistant will assure you work wonders.
6. Fill the bath tub with water and the magic potions purchased in step 5. Place breeches in tub.
8. Scrub some more.
9. Place in wash following another scrub.
10. Remove from wash and realise they are now slightly off white.
11. Sob silently.
12. Wear off white breeches to your next show. Horse will either head butt you on his way out of the truck causing you to land on your bum and sprawl out in the dirt. Alternatively you will mess egg yolk on your jods while devouring your bacon and egg roll.
13. Swear loudly.
14. Proceed to step 1.
With regards to our findings to the first part of our investigation: we’ve uncovered many fallacies regarding the “how to look good in white breeches” study. Some speak about tights under jods or choosing the right fabric. But our researchers have been hard at work and it seems there is only one fail safe solution to avoid the hail damage and wobble that tends to occur when wearing white breeches:
Stay away from the pies (and the bacon & egg rolls apparently).
Conclusion? Our SA Showjumpers are possibly sneaky ninjas. How else do they stay so clean & skinny?